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Over the summer I discovered that I have very strong Lilith aspects in my natal chart. Which actually explains a lot to me about my way of relating in the world.
After this discovery, I took notice of all the times Lilith checked in on me during my life.
It started with my father, the hero of my world, the man who I elevated to god like status most of my life. I have so many endearing memories of him, like his love of honky tonk and how he taught me how to yodel to the greats -- our favorite song to sing together was “I’m So Lonesome” by Hank Williams. I can still hear his voice and see his lips curl into impossible formations every time the song comes on the radio.
When I was five, my parents separated. My dad and his new girlfriend (my soon to be step-mother) kidnapped me and my younger sister from our mom’s house, moved us across the country and told us that mom abandoned us, hated us, and that she was an unfit, poor slob of a mother.
My sister and I believed them.
As a teen, Lilith visited me again when I became pregnant and contemplated the scary options ahead of me -- do I get an abortion, give the baby up for adoption or do I embrace the role of motherhood (which, to that point in my life had not been the most perfect model)? I ran away from home, scared of it all and even then, after I had been returned to my dad’s house, I kept my pregnancy a secret until I couldn’t possibly do so any longer, resulting in an overly dramatic announcement (even for a teen pregnancy.)
As a young woman, I wish I could say I consciously connected to Lilith, but really, the only thing I knew of her was as the mascot and namesake for the Lilith Fair in the early 90s. It’s interesting to look back, though and see how her energy manifested in my marriage. I married my high school sweetheart, a man as deeply flawed as I. He was charming in his bad boy ways. Romantic, even. We needed each other because we “got” each other.
He turned out to be a chronic cheater.
I wish I could say it was I who left him, but no.
He left me and I begged him to take me back, to keep our family together. Up to that point, I tried my damnedest to keep us together, to keep “it” together and I thought I held up right well. But it was brutal that first weekend when the kids went off to visit him after we had moved out. I lost it, crumbled to the floor in fetal position and crying, “why god? Why?”
And even after our separation, I was thrust into the void of scary Lilith energy once again.
Like Lilith, I called on God’s name.
I found a hip, local church and took the kids to Sunday school intending to provide structure for their disrupted lives, hopeful I’d find some personal comfort there. I read the psalms every night before bed, longing for Jesus to rock me to sleep, but still, I was hungry for a deeper truth.
The woman I was up to that point and the woman I wanted to become just was not reflected in those stories, and they did nothing to soothe the deep, festering wounds I was (subconsciously) desperate to have healed. My time at church only proved one thing--that it was not for me. It was not where I belonged.
So I exiled myself again for a year, trying to make peace with my loneliness despite the wilderness of the psyche I found myself in. When the children visited their father, I dated myself, going to the second run theater to see movies like Memento and Magnolia and Legally Blond. I indulged in hobbies that I never had the time to explore before when I was married -- home improvement, baking and cooking, writing.
As a single mom, I had to get very creative and use all the resources I could to give my four children the best experiences possible. Clothing swaps became a regular thing, and finding all the free/low-cost events became our pastime.
I became a secret shopper for places like Red Robin --the kids had no idea our monthly night out for gourmet burgers was on the house. They only knew it was our monthly tradition -- a bonding ritual I look back on with great fondness.
In hindsight, that was a fun time for me.
Little did I know...
There is so much freedom in being rejected. Yes, it is scary, it’s confusing and it hurts. But that freedom, though.
Once you’ve been rejected, all pretenses are done. No longer do you have to give your energy to that path -- it is closed off to you. To get what you want, you try a different route.
A more instinctual route.
The route that only you know, that only you feel.
I also felt somehow vindicated when one time I went to drop off my daughters something or other at the ex’s house. After a year of doing yoga, I felt amazing with a healthy body, strong arms, and a cute booty. I found so much pleasure in wearing flattering clothes and on this particular day I happened to be wearing my favorite lavender sleeveless sweater that accentuated my breasts and my strong, cut arms with a cute skirt and wedge flip flops that made my legs look super sexy.
I didn’t wear this to get his flattery...I wore it because I loved it. But when he said to me, “Wow, you look amazing!" and I didn't have any feelings to give back to him...THAT was when I knew I was truly liberated.
In my head, at that very moment, I had queued Nina Simone:
It's a new Dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me and I'm feeling good...
Yeah. That's what my Lilith Liberation felt like. Lol.
So...in many ways, that is how Lilith showed up in my experience. Yes, Lilith represents the rejected feminine, the “first wife," but also equality, creativity, courage, and authenticity.
Oftentimes, when we are experiencing a rough transition, we don't see the it as a pathway to authenticity. If you have ever been rejected for any reason, it is my hope you find the true liberation it offers.
Astrologically speaking, Lilith shows up in numerous places in your chart, and I will share more about that later this month with those who are on the newsletter list.
My name is Dawn Champine and I am the Creatrix of The Goddess Diaries. I am very passionate about helping women remember their REAL GODDESS selves.